Someone hurt you, and the replay will not stop. Every major tradition asks us to forgive, and almost all of them say it is as much for the forgiver as for the forgiven. But they also have something to say about what forgiveness does not mean.
“‘He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,’ — in those who harbour such thoughts hatred will never cease.”Dhammapada 3 (tr. Max Müller)
The next verse is the same, except that those who do not harbour such thoughts find that hatred ceases. The injury happened once; the story we repeat makes it happen again.
When Peter asked whether he should forgive his brother as many as seven times, Jesus answered:
“I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”Matthew 18:22 (King James Version)
And on the cross, of those who crucified him: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
“Let them forgive and show indulgence. Yearn ye not that Allah may forgive you? Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.”Quran 24:22 (tr. M. Pickthall)
Classical commentators connect this verse with Abu Bakr, who had vowed to stop supporting a poor relative who had joined in slandering his daughter Aisha. After it was revealed, he resumed the support.
Each morning Marcus reminded himself that he would meet difficult people, and that their faults came from ignorance of what is good.
“I can neither be injured by any of them, for no one can fix on me what is ugly, nor can I be angry with my kinsman, nor hate him.”Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1 (tr. George Long)
The Bhagavad Gita lists kshama, forgiveness, among the divine qualities a person can grow (16.3). Confucius, asked for one word to live by, chose shu, reciprocity: “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others” (Analects 15.23). Most of us want to be forgiven our worst moments.
Illustration: water does not hold on to the stone
It is not pretending it was fine. You can forgive and still say clearly that it was wrong.
It is not reconciliation. You can let go of resentment and still keep your distance. Forgiveness never requires staying somewhere unsafe.
It is not forgetting. It is choosing not to let the memory keep running your life.
After apartheid, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, tried to build forgiveness into a whole nation’s recovery, by insisting on the truth first. Tutu’s book on it is called No Future Without Forgiveness (1999).
Go deeper: Anger, the journey Taming Anger, or the dilemma Revenge or Let It Go.
After apartheid ended, South Africa set up a Truth and Reconciliation Commission (from 1996), chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, where victims told their stories and perpetrators could seek amnesty by confessing fully. In his book No Future Without Forgiveness (1999), Tutu argued that forgiveness is not forgetting or excusing, and not opposed to truth: the truth must be told in full, and then forgiveness frees both the wronged and the society from being held hostage by the past.
Forgiveness has been studied as a skill. Programmes such as Everett Worthington’s REACH model guide people step by step: recall the hurt honestly, try to understand the other person, see forgiveness as a gift, commit to it, and hold on to it when the anger returns. Studies of such programmes find reduced resentment and better well-being, while making clear that forgiving does not require reconciling with someone who is still harmful.
Stanford Encyclopedia: Forgiveness · Dhammapada, chapter 1 · Truth and Reconciliation Commission · Anger
